I wish I could say that I after the incest stopped, life returned to normal, but nothing was the same. Outwardly, everything seemed fine. But inwardly, I battled feelings of self worth and shame. I began to question my Christianity. I trusted a family member and he wasn’t safe. What other false beliefs was I holding on to? I lost my sense of security. So, I medicated myself by smoking.
Even my personality changed. I became withdrawn, angry and rebellious. I hated high school and failed most of my classes for non-attendance. Then I listened to the lies of the enemy when he told me I was stupid.
In my freshman year, there are blocks of time that I simply can’t remember. I listed my three best friends in my yearbook, but can only remember one. I didn’t take drugs and I didn’t drink excessively, yet entire blocks of time are gone. This is indicative of PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder).
Until recently, I had nightmares about high school. When my twenty year reunion came up, I had nightmares for two weeks until I decided not to attend.
This is part 2 in a series. Click HERE to read part one. Stay tuned for more.
9 comments:
My friend,I know it's hard to reveal a secret.I'm listening.
For me,it became a familiar place.I had such a love/hate relationship with my secret,if that makes any sense.
love and hugs~Tammy
Nightmares are certainly part of this, aren't they? Years of nightmares.
Love you, friend.
Thank you so much for sharing about this Jan. Your bravery helps so many women. Love to you!
Talk about bold and free - That is you!!! Well done!
The shame is what changes us so much. Until we break the power of it we are held captive to what happened to us. Yet, shame get its power by making us believe that is who we are instead of what happened to us.
Great post, Jan!
Deep breath. Still walking this with you friend! :)
I'm walking with you as you pour your heart. I love you and I'm praying for you and all whom God will lead here to read who need to be set free in Jesus Name.
I've walked the rode of poor self worth, shame, guilt, anger, confusion, people pleasing, etc. from my childhood until the LORD captured my heart and I surrendered to Him completely...then the journey to healing and wholeness began.
We have different backgrounds but both were painful and if not for the Lord we would not be here to share with anyone else to help them to be free.
I love your heart.
In my late 30's a friend and I crossed country to visit old elementry schools and homes, and memories we had supressed-- good and bad-- flooded back. After remembering 3 years out of 7, I told God I didn't want to remember anymore. He could have the rest. I am blessed He loved me enough to validate the nightmares that they were real so I knew I wasn't crazy, and could give them to Him and forgive my brother and his friends and move on... I also finally had good childhood memories. :-)
I am sorry for your pain. I applaud your bravery. I'm praying for you as you heal. And I stand with you and all the others like us as we add our strength in knowing that we are not alone in our experiences so therefore we need not be ashamed --and that Jesus loves us just as we are and sees us as beautiful. Now, I know for me, it's been a 49 yr long journey for me to accept this and I'm no where near the summit, but after finding commonality in healing support, I'm finally believing I'm on the right path.:0)
Hugs and prayers and ALWAYS a listening ear and a shoulder when nightmares and shadows of doubts whisper for anyone who needs one, k
Thank you for sharing a very personal part of your life. (((hugs)))
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