A Leader Follows

Irretrievable Words

The writing bug bit me when I was a mere seven-years-old.  I experienced “the zone” while writing a report on horses. In my mind, it was brilliant. I was the next Louisa May Alcott; writing energized me.

Several years later, while working on a creativity badge for Pioneer Girls, I wrote a poem on friendship.  All the girls in my troop were earning the same badge so the leader chose to read them aloud. When she came to mine, she said, “I don’t like that one,” and tossed it aside. I was stunned, hurt and humiliated. Just because I wrote a terrible poem didn’t give her the right to publicly humiliate me. Her words penetrated deeply and anchored into a hidden part my soul.  My shame was so great; I prayed the earth would swallow me up.

I was too ashamed to tell my parents, but my sister did. Mom was outraged; she called the leader, demanding justice.  I received a personal phone call within the hour. Though I accepted her apology, I discovered that painful words are irretrievable.  In her attempt to compensate, she decided to have it read aloud at the annual Pioneer Girls conference.

As I heard my name called, I slunk deep into my chair. In a sea of five hundred sky blue uniforms, I was finally able blend in. Then, horror of horrors, someone spoke each despicable word into the microphone.  

Friends 

by Janet Hasselblad

Friends are nice for eating rice,

Friends can make a rose as big as a nose,

Friends can be big or as fat as a pig

But friends are friends.

Nearly 39 years later, while some good friends were over, I shared this story though I hadn’t thought of it in years.

 “I think it’s great,” she said.

I was shocked, “Really?” My mom, sister and gramma all said they loved it. I thought they were just being nice. But this was a trusted friend.  I felt the shame wash off, amazed that it had lingered all these years. God used a relaxing game night to cleanse me of false shame. 

Photo by Tonya Vander Copyright 2009

Prayer 101

What is prayer?
Very simply, prayer is a conversation with God. Talk to Him and tell him about your day. Then be still and listen to what He says. Prayer is not a one way conversation. It’s unlikely you will hear an audible voice; rather, he will place a thought in your mind.


My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

John 10:27 (NIV)

Prayer has no rules. You don’t need to:
• do something in order for God to listen
• pray in a specific location or church
• fold your hands or kneel
• use a prayer book or memorized prayer
• speak with eloquent words
• pray through a saint or priest
• pray the rosary
• light a candle


Why don’t more people pray? Because they:
• don’t believe in God
• think God is busy doing more important things
• don’t want to take time
• don’t know God so it’s awkward
• feel it’s a waste of time
• aren’t getting the results they want
• are angry at God
• are estranged from God because of sin


Where is it appropriate to pray?
• While driving
• In the shower
• At the office
• At the mall
• In church
• In court
• While cooking
• Basically, anywhere and everywhere



It’s appropriate to pray when you:
• need a listening ear
• feel grateful
• want to tell God how much you love him
• need to confess
• are making a big decision
• are worried about something
• need comfort
• are working through a problem
• read the Bible
• are just living life

Healed Mind, Body & Spirit

I love a good secret – the wondrous kind that bursts to be told. But there is another kind of secret – an evil kind. The kind that digs deep into a child’s soul and poisons it. The kind that is too shaming to tell. The "don’t tell your mother” kind.  It’s the kind of secret Satan uses to taunt and produce insecurities.

These evil, poisonous kinds of secrets have a way of festering until one day, when you least expect it, an emotional explosion occurs. There is no good time to talk about incest or sexual abuse.  It’s a horribly painful topic. But the ugly facts are that it’s happening in homes all across America. Chances are it’s happening in your neighborhood right now. And, tragically, it happened to me.

Initially, it seemed easy to dismiss. He was a member outside my immediate family. He begged my forgiveness and I gave it. We then agreed never to talk about it. He was genuinely repentant and never reoffended. (After years of counseling abused women, I’ve learned that this is extremely rare. Typically, the cycle of repentance and abuse continues for many years.)

But stuffing my feelings down didn’t make them disappear. Denial is only a temporary emotional Band-Aid. Eventually I had to face the demons of my past.

I wish I could say that once the incest stopped, life returned to normal, but nothing was ever the same. I’d lost my sense of security and battled deep-seeded feelings of shame and self worth. I also began to question my Christianity. After all, a family member betrayed me. What other beliefs was I naively holding on to? Even my personality changed. I became withdrawn, angry and rebellious. I hated high school and failed most of my classes due to truancy. I didn’t take drugs or drink excessively, yet there are entire blocks of time in my freshman year that I simply can’t remember. This is indicative of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

Throughout my teen years and into adulthood, I continually dealt with sexual assault and harassment. I had no idea I was projecting a victim mentality.

In my late thirties, I was plagued with asthma and a variety of associated ailments. I was losing my voice and that terrified me.  I went through a plethora of doctors, praying one of them would heal me. It never occurred to me to ask the ultimate physician for healing. Then one Saturday night during worship, I brokenly cried out to God and begged him to heal me.

He spoke to my spirit, “Today you have touched the hem of my gown. I will heal you in mind, body and spirit."

“When, Lord?”

“Within the year.” 

My physical healing happened very quickly. My voice came back and I am no longer an asthmatic. Then the Lord led me to Alabaster Vessels. As I healed from the abuse of my past, I began to counsel others. Finally, I searched the scriptures and exercised my gift of prophecy. Just as God promised, He healed me mind, body and spirit.

I’m humbled and honored by the women who contact me to share their painful stories of incest and abuse. It’s my prayer that God will use my story to inspire others to begin the healing process.

Perhaps you have a similar story. Allow Him to heal your mind, body and spirit. Healing from childhood abuse is not an easy journey. But you are older, wiser and stronger, and Jesus will be with you all the way. I started my journey just before I turned forty and I will be forty-six this month. It’s never too late to reclaim your life. Shame and guilt held me in bondage. I wasn’t living my life to the fullest. Now I am free from the chains of my past.

As a rape and incest survivor, I am passionate about empowering women to become all God made them to be. Because it is only through Jesus Christ that we can truly be Bold & Free. 

Recommended reading:

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

Woman Thou Art Loosed by TD Jakes

A Door of Hope by Jan Frank

Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

Captivating by John & Stasi  Eldredge

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